Archive for October, 2008

existential crisis – greetings from Diana

i don’t know what am i doing. it’s like i don’t know. what to do with my life. i simply can not decide. there are so many alternatives and time just pass by and i am like just looking and doing nothing about it. i just look. i am just like a person from the public in my life. or like a director, but not an actor. i just look and do nothing. and i don’t know what to do. this is a fucked up moment(moment i guess… i know it will pass tomorow and i will forget it and i will live in ignorance again and simply forget my thoughts and just live without doing anything).But it seems like time is just passing by and you do nothing. You are likeĀ a simple piece from the system and nothing, nothing. And i am sick of letting time to pass. And i wait. Wait for what? I have to finish my college(s). Sick of going to PR school. I don’t like them. I thought i was integreted there, but i do not belong there. And still… i will recieve a paper and i made a school. wow, i am specialist. and then what? Why do i do that? I want to have time, i want to have more time for everything. I want to take things slower, but i don’t. I just take them all and i can not handle it.

So, what to do doctor? I haven’t said anything. I didn’t tell my parents that i am going to germany, i didn’t find a workshop in berlin to lie them. I don’t want to lie them. But i am so addicted. I am addicted. Addicted in making decisions. So many alternatives. Like is a bad joke, don’t take it so serious.

I laugh all the time, but why? Cause i don’t take things seriously. It’s not good for the health no? But it is not funny. This should be a middle ages crises, but it’s not. So? What to do? What to do?

Forgot to mention, i liked a guy but he turned out to be gay. My fellow students dissapointed me, they sign a stupid petion to take out from the library an old smelly man. They don’t talk, they act… and it’s what? we study philosophy, we say that we are libertarian, but are we? Are we?

So. this is a nonsense email, or a full of sense email. Bad week i supose. Party today, not attending, prefer to watch some shit movie serial and proiect my life there instead of living my own. Going old. Not old like age… old like… whatever.

So. Dissapointed in “love”, “my fellow students”, “my sister”, me. At my university i felt that there is the place i belonged to… and now the people i really liked turned to be not like i imagined. I don;t communicate with my family. Kein good luck(if i can use luck) in love, i think my exboyfriend coursed me to experience on my own the dissapointing world. Maybe i deserved it. But i am sad cause life is not the way i wanted, i imagined it.

So, one more thing i wanted to do but i don;t know. To make a project with the gipsy, like a real project, to raise money, to search their culture, their morality, to make after that campaign learning them that it’s not good to steal, to make a bridge… But I don’t know. Decisions, decisions. No money to travel. Have to tell my parents, have to get money from them after all… what to do? what to do?

No. I didn;t search for couches, i didn;t email ghassan, i do nothing. I think, but i don;t do. To improve my problems, but not going for the solutions, even if i know what should i do.

So, this is me. Greetings from Diana. I won;t read my email again before sending it to you cause i may erase it. So i better press “Send” now to annoy you(or not).


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